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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Yep, I'm going to love hearing it, too...

Received this in an email today...

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Every Vote Counts

I thought a lot about what my post would be today.  Would I roast people for not voting for Obama... would I simply post a pro-Obama picture or graphic.   

This is where I ended up...

I actually heard someone say this morning that their vote didn't matter.  Their reasoning was that they knew that New York was going for Obama regardless of their vote for McCain... hence their vote wouldn't matter.  Even being a supporter of Barack Obama I still have problems with that kind of thinking.

First...  Too many elections are lost because of that kind of attitude.  Sure it's fine if one person does it, but if too many people do it... well, frankly that's how George W. Bush got elected twice.

Second... even if you "know" that your candidate is going to lose your state you should still vote.  That vote and others like yours sends a message to the winner there were X number of people that said "no"... and that matters.  It shows the winner that they still have work to do.  It proves that there are people that need to be reached out to and our elected officials need to know that their constituants include not just the people that voted for them, but also the people that voted against them.  One of the most important ways that we can make them understand that is by voting.

That being said... our responsibilities as citizens don't begin and end on the first Tuesday in November.  Our voices need to be heard all year... and as loudly as possible.  

So... after the results are in and the winners take office take the time to sit down and write a letter (or an email) to our new president... to your senators... and your congressman (or woman).  Let them know where you stand on the issues that are important to you.  Do the same for your state and local officials as well.  Remember, these people work for us whether we voted for them or not.

Now go vote... and be thankful that you have the right to do so.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Maybe she needs a trim...

I found this headline on CNN this morning...




So either CNN needs a better headline proofreader or I'm REALLY immature...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Greatest Time Waster EVER!

I found this on the web today...

LEGO Digital Designer

You can literally design ANYTHING with LEGOs in 3-D.

The software is completely free and really easy to use. I loved LEGOs as a child and this is just TOO COOL!

Here's the real kicker. Once you've completed your masterpiece you can upload it to the LEGO Factory website (http://factory.lego.com/) and purchase a kit that contains all of the bricks that you used to assemble your virtual creation so you can make it for real!

I can see how my weekend will be spent... LOL

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The world's newest evil super villain... THE FLATULATOR!

Cop Hit In Gas Attack

If farting in someones general direction is a crime then I must be one of the most prolific criminals in history.

Just ask my wife.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Watch your Karma when in the drive-thru...

I went out to Taco Bell to fetch some dinner after the kids had gone to bed. In front of me in line was a soccer mom in an ugly maroon mini-van. I rolled down my window in anticipation of placing my order and I could hear the woman ahead of me badgering the poor girl working the drive up window.

"So what's in the 7 layer nachos... what's in the double decker burrito..."

On and on she went for a solid 10 minutes while the line of cars behind me was getting longer and longer. God bless the poor girl on the other end of the intercom because she kept her cool and was nice the whole time. Not surprising was the fact that when the woman finally ordered none of it was what she had quizzed the girl about.

I pulled up... the girl still being nice... placed my order and proceeded on to the pick up window only to find the woman in the minivan taking her time paying.

When I was finally able to pull up to the window I noticed that the amount on the little read out was different than the total I was originally given. Not really thinking much of it I handed the girl my card and she cashed me out. She went to hand me my food and all that was in the bag was a single hard taco. I protested and the girl asked me what I had ordered. When I told her all the blood drained from her face. She quickly turned around to the girl who was working the window with her...

"OH MY GOD! That woman just drove off with the wrong food!"

I stiffled a laugh. The girl turned quickly to me and informed me that she had only charged me for the taco she had tried to give me and was going to give me all of the food for just $1.50 and throw in cinnimon twists besides.

I drove home laughing... realizing that the woman who had played 20 questions with half the menu and then ordered none of it would be getting home to find my food... none of which was part of her order. I'm guessing her head probably exploded.

Karma is a bitch...

Well... Duh?

This has got to be the most "duh" piece of celebrity news in recent memory...

Clay Aiken Comes Out of the Closet

Am I supposed to be shocked and/or surprised by this? Who here didn't think Clay Aiken was gay?... quick show of hands... I didn't think so.

Not that I have a problem with gay people... because I don't. I don't care if someone is gay so long as they aren't a dick. Gay I can handle... being a dick drives me insane.

Then again, if Clay Aiken was a dick I don't suppose I care much about that either.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

How lazy are we???

I walked by these in the grocery store the other day and I nearly shit myself out of sheer instant bewilderment.

PANCAKES IN A SPRAY CAN?!?!

Not nearly on the same level as neuticles, but fucking hell people come on!

Thanks but no thanks. The pancakes in my house will continue to be made the old fashioned way.

Come on, if you don't have time to make pancakes on the weekend then maybe you should seriously take stock of what you put value on in your life.

I swear, it's crap like this that is the reason we can't have affordable health care in this country.

http://www.batterblaster.com/

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I FOUND IT!!!

I did it! I found it! I now know why this country is going to hell in a hand basket!

http://www.neuticles.com


That's right... FAKE BALLS FOR YOUR PETS!

It's over. How can we even begin to compete with this kind of stupidity?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Quote of the Day

Oh, what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
- Bob Dylan - A Hard Rains Gonna Fall

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Um... ok

Not sure exactly how I found this site, but here you go...

Stop Alien Abductions

This lovely headpiece will keep the aliens out of your head :)

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm in love with Barbara Walters...

Sounds almost creepy, doesn't it?

Quote from the CNN.com article:
Walters went on to press Palin's reformist credentials, noting McCain has served in Washington for more than two decades and asking repeatedly, "who's she going to reform, you?"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Quote of the Day, Part 2

This one was just too good to save for tomorrow...

"People were coming into my office, phone calls were flooding in, e-mails were coming in, 'I just sent money to Obama, I couldn't sleep last night' — from the left. To see this cocky wacko up there,"
- Former GOP Sen. Lincoln Chafee refering to Sarah Palin

Read the full article here...

Quote of the Day

"I need to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here (on earth) 4,000 years ago, I really do - because she's gonna have the nuclear codes."
- Actor Matt Damon on GOP VP Candidate Sarah Palin's creationist beliefs
Read the entire blurd here on IMDB:

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Hoff's new evening gig...

Probably a lot funnier than it should be, but I nearly shit myself laughing... so here it is!

and the Hits Just Keep on Coming!

Thank you John Stweart... again



When are people going to realize that THEY ARE BEING LIED TO!!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Quote of the day...

"Well... she reads a teleprompter very well..."
- Comment left by a reader on CNN.com after watching Sarah Palin's speach at the RNC

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Do you smell that?

I'm not making this up... I smelled Cheez-Its on the way to work this morning. I thought I was going crazy, that the daily grind had finally caught up to me and my brain was beginning it's slow rebellion. One should not be able to smell baked cheese snack crackers whilst driving on a 6 lane limited access highway at 65mph with the windows up.

But my wife could smell them as well. We both spent the rest of the ride to work wondering where the smell came from.

There are no cheese/cracker factories along that stretch of highway.

It must be Osama Bin Laden... dirty terrorist!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Wake up and smell the BULLSHIT!

This is for those of you that think Barack Obama and Al Gore are full of crap...

http://www.eia.doe.gov/oiaf/aeo/otheranalysis/ongr.html

There it is... the study from the EIA (Part of the Department of Energy...run by a 'W' appointee - BTW).

Read it and weep.

Here is a quote "Total domestic production of crude oil from 2012 through 2030 in the OCS access case is projected to be 1.6 percent higher". This amounts to an increase of just over 200,000 barrels a day by 2030 (we won't get anywhere near this until at least 2017). We currently consume 21+ Million barrels of oil every day. If we don't wake up now and start investing in ways to drive down our daily consumption it will be even worse by 2030... and then what??

The numbers don't lie, people!

You all love 'W' and McCain so much, well this is what you're being sold. Oh sure, they've wrapped it up nice and put a pretty shinny bow on the box, but that fact remains that there's nothing in the box but a big smelly turd!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The World's Priciest Foods

From CNN Money today... The World's Priciest Foods

Here's the complete list:
  1. Gold Leaf
    • okay... here's the deal, if you're so rich and pompous that you have to put gold in/on your food, you're an ass. I can barely afford gold jewelry for my wife and you're putting it in your food... FUCK YOU!
  2. White Truffles
    • Seriously? It's a fucking mushroom, albeit a rare one, but it's still a mushroom.
  3. Caviar
    • This is the stuff that people eat to feel rich. It tastes like shit... everyone I have ever spoken to that has ever tried even supposedly "good" caviar has said that it tastes like the ass end of sewer rat. The people that eat caviar are the upper class equivalent of the middle class idiots that drink Starbucks coffee.
  4. Saffron
    • This one I can't say that I disagree with. Saffron adds crazy amounts of flavor to anything that you add it to. I don't ever use it simply because I can't afford it.
  5. Kobe Beef
    • Again... I don't disagree with this one. I remember the first time I tasted certified Angus beef. This is supposed to be even better and I love me some steak.
  6. Civet Coffee
    • Yet another reason I don't drink coffee. This is the stuff that any reasonable person would never drink after hearing how the beans are collected. I think I'd take Starbucks burnt coffee before I drink coffee made from beans that dropped out of a luwak's asshole. Washed or not...*gag*
  7. Vanilla
    • This is one of those foods that is heaven in bean form and worth every penny.
  8. Foie Gras
    • First off... this stuff is nasty. I've tried it and you'll never convince me otherwise. Second... given how it's made (force feeding ducks through a tube??) I hate to admit it, but I agree with PETA on this one. That's just cruel.
  9. Tiger Fish
    • I don't eat fish... and I sure as hell don't eat fish that is this expensive.

What ever happened to names like Mary or Jane...?

NZ judge backs girl over 'embarrassing' name

This poor little 9 year-old's moron parents named her "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii".

I am seriously having a hard time getting my head around this. Whatever happened to names like Mary, or Ann, or Jane? Seriously, folks, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with people? If you're going to give your kid a goofy name you may as well just name them "Kick my ass and take my lunch money and while you're at it can you please give me an atomic wedgie everyday for the remainder of my life".

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are both nurses that work in pediatrics and you should hear the shit that people are naming their kids these days.

Examples...

Single mother whose last name is Man. Had twin girls and named them Idonwanna and Idonneeda...

Parents from South East Asia with the last name of Dong insisted on naming their new baby boy Harry... even after having it explained to them what his name would mean to other children and that he would likely get picked on everyday.

A mother, late in her pregnancy went to go to the bathroom and when her baby, in her words "fell out", she exclaimed, "IT A MIRACLE!"... She named her new baby girl Amiracle.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving your child an exotic name, but COME ON! These people are just making shit up!

It's totally different if it's a real name, fits with your last name and/or reflects your heritage. For example I have two girls, Sophia and Molly. One reflects our Mediterranean lineage and the other represents our Irish lineage. My wife and I have decided that if we have another girl we'll likely be naming her something French in origin. Not that the names we ultimately chose were terribly odd, but I can tell you that we went through some strange ones getting to our final choices. I did have one rule when picking out names... If I could find a way to make fun of it within 5 minutes then we ruled it out. If it takes me 5 minutes, it will probably take some mean little brat about 30 seconds.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I want one of these SO badly!

Check out this story on CNN Money...
Tesla's Wild Ride

The car is amazing. I've seen videos of it spanking a Dodge Viper. Combine that with the fact that it is a hell of a lot greener than the Viper and you've have got one cool car.

Here is their official website...
Tesla Motors Inc.

0-60 in 3.9 seconds... *drool*

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Empire Starts To Crumble!

Starbucks identifies stores slated for closure

HA! Maybe they finally figured out that the world doesn't need a Starbucks on every fucking corner selling their overpriced, burnt, ass tasting coffee!

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Fuck Britney Spears!

Britney Spears, former husband reach child custody deal

Who the fuck cares?!? It just amazes me that people actually care about this kind of shit. Give me real news... you know, shit that might actually have some sort of affect on my life. I'm just thankful that it wasn't higher on the list than anything about Iraq, Afganistan and the upcoming presidential election. Then I really would have lost my mind.

I counted and out of the 20 top headlines on CNN today 3 of them were stories about celebrities having done something that normal people do everyday...
  • Angelina Jolie has left the hospital with her newborn twins (woo-fuckin'-hoo)
    • Don't get me wrong... I like her, she understands the principle of giving of yourself when you are blessed with a state of plenty... but for fuck sake why should anyone in this world outside of her family and friends give two shits?
  • Apparently Ed McMahon is suing someone over a neck injury... HEEEEEEEEREEEEES a NEW FLASH for you... who fucking cares!

Please Leave Your Big Bag o' Bullshit at the Door

Here it is! The official DEADSMILEY.COM blog. A place where I can come to vent my frustrations, ramble on about the things I find interesting and most importantly say all the shit that I know would get me in trouble if I spouted it out in public.

For example...
  • Fuck religion
  • Fuck your iPhone
  • Fuck your Hummer
  • Fuck your stupid obsession with celebrities
  • Fuck Starbucks... and I'm really close to saying Fuck Dunkin' Donuts but their breakfast sandwiches are SO good
  • Fuck your favorite sport/team...it's a fucking GAME get over it!
More "fucks" to follow...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Huh?

I drove by this sign this morning and I had to take a picture. I'm not sure exactly what "Tingley Rubbers" refers to, but I'm pretty sure it's not what I hope it is.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Goodbye, George. Thanks for all the laughs...

George Carlin



May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008


May Joe Pesci have mercy on his soul.
(if you don't get that, then you weren't a fan...)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

It's time to get a little political...

Anyone that knows me knows that I've been backing Barak Obama for president since John Edwards dropped out of the race earlier this year. They also know that I am flat out terrified of John McCain getting elected president (the man is fuckin' crazy).

Recently I've heard people saying that if Obama gets elected be prepared for your taxes to go up. I've done the research and it has known this to be untrue... at least for the people that I know. That said, still nobody seems convinced.

Well, thanks to an article posted on CNN.com today the initial analysis, done by an independent group, shows that people like me would benefit most from Obama's tax plan. While we'd all see a cut under McCain's plan, the cuts for people like me are tiny when compared to Obama's plan and in the end McCain will incur a much larger deficit.

Here the link to the article so you can see for yourself...
How McCain and Obama will change your tax bill

Take it for what it is and make your own decision. I just want to make sure that we all have as much information as possible come November.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray Ad

It's official our collective IQ is now a big fat 0!!!

This one goes squarly in the WTF column.

Dunkin Donuts Pulls Ad

I am really beginning to fear that we have become a nation of mindless sheep. Seriously! How you can make the argument that perky food goddess Rachael Ray is somehow a terrorist sympathizer based simply on the fact that she wore a black and white silk scarf in a Dunkin Donuts ad is way beyond my ability to reason.

IT'S A FUCKIN' SCARF!!!

I could understand it if she was wearing it on her head holding an AK-47 and taking a dump on the Israeli flag... maybe, but she's wearing it around her neck holding a freakin' cup o' joe standing in what looks like Central Park!

Give me a break. Can we please start thinking for ourselves?!?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Green-Card Soldiers

Please take a moment and read this article posted today on CNN.com:

Green-Card Soldier Prepares For His 3rd Deployment

I just can't understand why this kind of thing is allowed to happen. It makes me physically ill to think that there have been 109 immigrant soldiers who have died in combat since September 11th, 2001 that were not granted citizenship until after they were killed. Why is it that we are making these brave men and women jump through hoops and wait extraordinary amounts of time to gain their US citizenship?

It should be...you finish basic training, you're a citizen. Done. No hoops, no major wait times. Make the citizenship classes and test part of basic training. Why is that so freakin' difficult?

If this bothers you as much as it did me please take the time to send a message to your Congressmen/women and Senators. Express to them how appalling it is to think that these patriots are being allowed to sacrifice for this country and this country can't even extend them the gesture of an accelerated path to citizenship.

List of US Congress Members

List of US Senators

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Who's a what now?

I saw this on the web today and I think this headline falls securely into the "No Shit" category...



What do you think?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Bad Student Metaphors

I received this in my email the other day. It was way funnier than I thought it would be so I had to post it here.

Thanks, Lindsay



Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country.

Here are last year's winners:
  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

  18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

  19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Monday, February 18, 2008

I ate what?

So today for lunch I decided to try a new place that I had heard about from a couple of co-workers last week. Moe's Southwest Grill just opened it's newest location out here in Webster. Check out their website here: www.moes.com

Tucked in the plaza between Key Bank and Justice: Just for Girls at 1044 Ridge Road in Webster it's easy to miss. Walking in is a little intimidating at first. Right off the bat you are greeted with a hearty "WELCOME TO MOE'S" by no less than four of the people working behind the counter. The food is served up cafeteria style...by which I mean you get in line and when the first guy asks you what you want you'd better be ready order or you're going to be holding up the works. Once you've ordered your food it's passed along to the next person to be built...ultimately passing through several hands before being ready for purchase. Fast paced...be prepared to take a few minutes to look over the menu before stepping into the line. It's also a good idea to listen to how other people are ordering and the questions they're being asked...you'll be asked much of the same.

I ordered the Close Talker Salad in a taco shell. Lettuce, black beans (you have the choice of pinto as well), chicken (beef or steak is available), salsa, cucumbers. I could have thrown on cheese and jalapenos as well, but I was attempting to be a bit on the healthy side.

So I guess the big question was, how was it? Simply put, it was pretty good. The taco shell was crisp and flaky and NOT greasy. The veggies were fresh and crisp. The chicken was not terribly juicy, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it dry either...it was marinated in a tex-mex blend of spices, cooked and shredded. The salsa was chunky and fresh with that hint of fresh cilantro that all real salsas have. I ordered it with the vinaigrette dressing on the side and to be honest I didn't end up using much of it as the salad had so many flavors going on that I didn't see the need to cover them up.

I left feeling satiated and not weighed down as I often do with "fast" food. The menu items are a bit on the pricey side. All told with my salad and my medium drink it cost me $8.51. While that price isn't too bad it is enough to keep me from going there more than occasionally.

Moe's places itself squarely between Subway and Panera Bread. It's not "fast food" by any means...I really feel that it falls into the "fresh food fast" category. It's like an indoor tex-mex lunch wagon which isn't a bad thing.

I'm sure I'll go back...gotta try a burrito (they're HUGE!) and the tacos look good as well.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I thought it was funny...

The other night while coming back from BJ's some dickhead in a huge pick-up decided that I was going to slow (I guess 45 in a 35 zone is unacceptable nowadays) and raced around me only to find himself at a red light right in front of me. My first thought was, wow...how small is this guys dick? The light turned green and he took off down the road. 30 seconds later there we are again him right in front of me at red light. The light turns green and again he races away from the intersection. 2 minutes later I see him just ahead waiting at yet another red light behind four other cars. He was going straight and I was making a right. I pulled into the right turn only lane, which was empty all the way to the corner, and without thinking about it, I slowed down and with a goofy smile on my face I turned a waved to him as we passed. He gave me the finger. Needless to say, Erin and I laughed about it for the next ten minutes.

I'm sure Captain Tiny-Penis went home and kicked his dog.

That made my day.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Little Unintentional Internet Vulgarity Anyone???

Caught this the other day while browsing...



If Nintendo and Sony do roll it out...uh, can we say bestseller???